My initial thought was "who are the bastards that deserve to die a horrible death for killing this man. I was shaking. I couldn't even concentrate on the reading until I read this:
The shaking intensified and I had to be alone. I drove to a small, out of the way park and just let myself go for almost an hour. I was initially alerted to this story because there were trackbacks to posts I've written about PTSD and suicide. As I sat there sobbing, I thought to myself, "could I be next?" The answer is, of course, "no" and I want to explain to those people out there that are in a situation where Chris may have been prior to ending his life.
I've said this before and I'll say it again, but this time with a different slant: there is NOTHING in this life worth taking your own for. There are people who care about you that you may or may not be familiar with. I am one of them. Hey, I have problems – BIG problems. Recent developments in my life have shaken the very foundation of my being. I have been questioning my place in both the Army and in life. But no matter how much I'm beat down, nothing will convince me that taking my life will make it better. Likewise, taking your life will not make the reasons for wanting to do so go away.
To those of you out there who may be hurting and contemplating hurting or killing yourself, I want to reiterate something I've said before; please contact me. I promise you I know where you are. I've had someone die in my arms trying to bring them back to life. I've lost friends in combat. I've had to shoot the enemy and had the unfortunate opportunity to be forced into shooting an innocent human shield. I've been racked with guilt (not regret) for nearly six years. I've been blown up, shot at, hit in the armor, and placed in situations in which I made my peace with God and silently told my family goodbye – three times!
I know that you may feel like there is no point in going on. I truly do. I've often felt like there's no point in going on myself. Together, we can convince each other of the truth that we are both wrong! My email address is clearly displayed on the sidebar. I will give you my personal phone number and I will even go AWOL to be with you if I am your only hope for life. I will find a way to get to you. There are people with a personal interest in your life. Did you catch that? In your LIFE!
I strongly recommend that you seek help. I recently began the process of seeking help myself. I am a senior non-commissioned officer who is not yet eligible for retirement benefits. I have a lot to lose if the military does not keep its word that seeking help for mental health problems, depression, and other emotional challenges will not be demonized. I still have five years left before I'm "safe" but I am seeking the help the military and this country owes me. You can too.
We can't afford to lose you. Your family and friends need you. Your troops need you. Most of all, though, you need you.
This might sound like a whole bunch of hooey, but I mean every word. If you're bent on suicide, give me a chance before you make that final, fatal decision. Let me tell you why killing yourself won't help you and show you what will! To be a little selfish, if you leave me behind, where will I go for help when I need it?
UPDATE: I wanted some spiritual context to this post. Keep in mind, I'm a member for Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, so some of these scriptures may be foreign to you (some critics who have never read the Book of Mormon may be surprised).
I'm blessed with a strong sense of the divinity of life. I wasn't always that way. But, there's a great scripture in Alma 37:47 that goes like this:
47 And now, my son, see that ye take care of these sacred things, yea, see that ye look to God and live.
In this scripture the Lord is basically saying that all things can be accomplished if we look to God. Romans 12:12 says that we should rejoice in hope, be patient in our challenges and tribulations and constantly maintain a prayer in our heart (paraphrased). He will not give us any challenge that He does not think we can handle. PTSD sucks to all hell and it's hard to hope sometimes, but the scriptures definitely tell us that we must rejoice in it. We can't give up hope.
Nothing we face in this world, no matter how difficult it may seem to us even compares to the trials and tribulations our Savior went through. He has felt every bit of our pain and He only asks that we appreciate that and do our best to honor that sacrifice. We won't get better overnight.
This war will one day be over and if it's not, we will one day retire. That is where the patience comes in. The good news is that we don't have to retire. We don't have to exercise patience for years. We can get help NOW. There are people around us NOW that help us overcome our obstacles, both physical and mental.
Jacob taught, “Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions." (Jacob 3:1)
The Lord gives us a spirit of hope and a feeling of comfort and confidence that we can overcome the obstacles we face. He has shown the way to gain strength during our struggles. With His assistance, we have the ability to succeed. Not everyone suffering from PTSD or feelings of suicide have a belief in God. To those people, I revert back to my earlier comments that there are people who still care and want to help you. But, I urge to seek help as well from the one man who can help you in the meantime…and He is ALWAYS there!
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